


if i can recognize real

by laurenswriting



Series: could be blue, could be you [3]
Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed, Tinder, brief mentions of mental illness, canon references bc how can i not, now with a fluff-filled chapter two!!!, tinder dates, waking up together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2020-05-28 15:38:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19397152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurenswriting/pseuds/laurenswriting
Summary: but it’s not him on that date (it’s never him), and lucas has to sit back and let his heart break every other night of the week.or: eliott goes on a lot of tinder dates. lucas doesn't know how to handle it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: "i'm in love with you and i'm terrified." + "please don't do this" 
> 
> okay so this is one of my favorite things i've ever written and i really hope y'all love this one as much as i do
> 
> title from "zipper" by junior a
> 
> un-beta'd, all mistakes are mine
> 
> ♥♥

“what about this one?” eliott asks, tugging on the hem of the shirt he’s wearing. there’s nothing much to it, just plain grey cotton draping loosely down eliott’s torso, and lucas twists his lips up into a grimace.

“it’s boring. you’re not boring,” he replies, rolling his eyes at eliott’s answering smirk. “next one.”

eliott turns, reaching over his shoulder to pull the offending shirt off, and lucas has to avert his gaze. it’s probably not the best idea for him to check out his best friend while he gets ready for a date.

eliott’s been on this “dating spree,” as lucas likes to call it, for a while now. a drunk basile had convinced a slightly buzzed eliott to download tinder one night and that was that.

(lucas thought he could handle it. thought, _yeah, eliott deserves to be happy. he should give this a try._ thought he could make it through without being overwhelmed by jealousy and regret and longing but he _can't_. eliott chips away at lucas’ heart every time he announces he’s going out for the night.)

this is eliott’s sixth tinder date this month alone, and they’re always, _always,_ with different people. in the four months that eliott has been doing this, not once has he gone on a second date.

frankly, lucas doesn’t understand it. these people must not be paying attention at all, must spend the entire night staring at their phones or listening to music for them to _not_ be completely enraptured by everything that is eliott.

if it was him on one of these dates, he’d sweep eliott off his fucking feet. lucas knows exactly where they’d go: that fancy new burger place that just opened up downtown. eliott had pointed it out last week when they went to see a movie, said that it looked good but far too expensive for their miniscule student budgets. (lucas doesn’t care, though. if he took eliott on a date there, he’d get them an appetizer, entrée, _and_ dessert, maybe even a beer or two, and he wouldn’t let eliott touch the check.) afterwards, they’d hold hands while walking through the streets of paris, and lucas would purposefully take a few wrong turns just to keep the night going. and maybe they’d kiss outside of eliott’s apartment or maybe they wouldn’t, but lucas thinks that doesn’t matter much. not for them.

but it’s not him on that date (it’s never him), and lucas has to sit back and let his heart break every other night of the week.

from his spot on the bed, lucas sees eliott’s calloused fingertips skim over the green turtleneck, the one that brings out his eyes beautifully, the one that clings tight to his biceps, the one that makes it nearly impossible to not fall in love with him.

 _please not that one, please not that one. if you choose that one, it’s all over,_ lucas chants, holding his breath until a different shirt is picked. _thank fuck._

“thoughts?” eliott holds his choice up on a hanger. it’s a garish button-up, a mess of colors and shapes, and lucas squints to get a better view.

“what kind of a pattern even _is_ that?” he asks, brow furrowed.

“it’s abstract.”

“it’s ugly. you’ll scare them off.”

eliott scoffs, already shoving the shirt back into the closet. “you don’t know that,” he mutters. “they might like it.”

lucas rolls his eyes, fiddling with the phone in his hands. “what’s this one’s name again?” he asks, feigning interest in whoever this next idiot is.

“jacques.” lucas hums, staring down at his phone’s blank screen. something clicks in the back of his mind and he freezes. _wait…_

“didn’t you go out with a jacques last week?” _shit, this is the first one that’s gotten a second date. fuck._ “i-i thought you said it didn’t go well?”

eliott pauses, his arm already halfway into a new shirt. “no, you’re thinking of jacqueline.” lucas breathes out a sigh of relief.

“oh, sorry, my bad.” he hesitates, pulling his bottom lip back between his teeth, shifting his gaze to the floor. “i’ve just started to lose track of them all, you know? honestly, it’s surprising you’ve managed to not get confused, too. i mean…” (and he can _taste_ the bitterness in his words, hear the anger and jealousy dripping from his voice, but there’s nothing he can do to stop their spill.)

“eliott, this is what, the third this week? i really don’t know how you do it; first dates are awful. and you never go out on a second date, either! what, do you not like them? do they not like _you?_ you know, —"

“lucas.”

the sheer _hurt_ in eliott’s voice brings lucas’ thoughts to a screeching halt. he whips his head up to find eliott staring at the ground, his next shirt option hanging limply between his fingers. “please don’t do this. it’s hard enough for me as it is, and i don’t need you making it worse.”

_huh?_

“what do you mean, it’s hard for you?” lucas lifts himself up so that he’s sitting on the bed, leaning forward to catch eliott’s every word. the other boy opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything, instead snapping his jaw shut and grinding his teeth together. “eliott?”

“forget i said anything, lucas. it doesn’t matter,” eliott mutters, turning back around.

“no, eliott,” lucas replies, his voice insistent with worry. he’s standing now, staring at eliott’s back, fingers aching to reach out and _comfort._ “why is this hard for you?”

the other boy sighs. “just drop it, okay,” eliott spits out.

“why won’t you answer my question?”

“why can’t you let this _go_?” eliott spins on his heel, throwing his now-wrinkled shirt to the floor. “what’s your problem, anyway?”

they’re yelling and lucas hates it, hates seeing the pain in eliott’s eyes, hates the way his nostrils flare with every burning breath. they’re frustrated and exasperated and it’s a dangerous combination.

“you just…” lucas clears his throat, trying to calm down and keep everything inside. his words are tense, short. he can’t leave any room for emotion to slip out. “i just don’t think you should go tonight.”

“why, lucas?”

now it’s lucas’ turn to falter, lip trembling as he searches for the words. eliott throws his arms in the air, slapping them down against his thighs with a huff.

“fuck, lucas! why?”

nothing.

“give me one good reason to cancel my date _right now_.”

“i’m in love with you!”

out of all the times lucas has dared to dream about this moment, not once had he imagined himself screaming in eliott’s face.

 _fuck._ eliott’s lips split apart, gaping at lucas. _fuck._

when eliott speaks, it’s barely above a whisper. “what?”

“i’m in love with you and i-i’m terrified,” lucas continues, voice cracking on every other syllable. “i’ve spent the past three fucking years trying to ignore it and just make these feelings go away because i _know_ you don’t want me like that but i can’t and i—”

a rough, dry sob escapes his lips and lucas screws his eyes shut. he can’t even look at eliott. he doesn’t want to see the confusion, the fear, the _disgust_ in his eyes.

“i always come back to you,” he croaks out, throat thick with tears waiting to be unleashed. lucas spins around to face the window, stepping away from eliott. he tugs at his hair and wraps an arm around his ribs and tries to keep himself from falling apart. everything inside him is burning and eliott has the power to turn lucas to ash.

he sees eliott before he feels him, spots the shadow creeping into the corner of his vision.

“lucas…” he jerks forward out of eliott’s reach, stumbling over his own two feet.

“please don’t.”

eliott breathes out a sigh, and the silence left in its wake is deafening.

“i’m gonna go,” lucas mumbles, turning on his heel. he hopes eliott doesn’t see him wiping his eyes. “have fun on your date.”

he tries to leave, tries to brush past eliott but he doesn’t get very far before there’s a hand gripping his arm to pull him backwards and there are fingers sliding up his cheeks and soft lips pressing against his.

lucas’ body reacts before his mind can catch up, kissing eliott back immediately and curling his hands into the small of the other boy’s back. he twists his fingers through the loose fabric of eliott’s shirt, bunching it up and grazing his knuckles against the smooth skin below.

their kiss is bruising. it’s deep and fierce, a culmination of years of burying feelings and avoiding conversations.

“i’m in love with you,” eliott says as they pull away, his chest heaving. “since high school. i never thought you’d feel the same.”

lucas lets out a whimper of a breath, letting his eyes slide shut. **_years_** _. they could’ve done this years ago._

“i go on these dates to try to feel something, _anything_ , for someone who’s not you. but it never works,” eliott mutters, reaching out to brush a stray piece of hair behind lucas’ ear. “i spend the entire night thinking about _you_. what you’d order at the restaurant, how you’d hold my hand over the table…”

he leans down, resting their foreheads against each other.

“i think about how much better it would be if you were on the date with me instead.”

lucas gulps, looking up at eliott with awe in his eyes and finding it mirrored back at him.

“i just can’t seem to move on from you.”

lucas gasps. eliott’s thumb glides across his cheek, swiping away the last few tear tracks, his touch as gentle as the morning sun.

“well, good,” lucas says, his voice hoarse, and nuzzles their noses together. “because i don’t want you to move on from me.”

eliott's laugh echoes around the room, and lucas understands why people write love songs. (no combination of piano notes could ever do eliott justice, but lucas is willing to die trying.)

“i don’t want you to move on from me, either.”

lucas surges up again, capturing eliott’s lips in another kiss. this one is slower, softer, free of the rough push-and-pull from before.

they break apart but he doesn’t let eliott go far: lucas shuffles forward to press his cheek into the smooth curve of eliott’s neck and wraps his arms around the boy’s waist. (they fit together perfectly, just like lucas knew they would.)

“i love you.”

eliott whispers it in lucas’ ear like it’s something to be treasured, like it’s something sacred. lucas supposes it is.

“i love you,” he answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: the shirt that lucas hates is fully based off of this one t-shirt i have that's just peak tacky lesbian fashion and i love it
> 
> another fun fact: the alternate ending to this was lucas saying "i think you need to cancel your date" and eliott laughing and replying with "yeah, i think i do"
> 
> ANYWAY
> 
> thank you all for reading and i hope you enjoyed :) kudos and comments are always welcome!! 
> 
> tumblr: [tawmlinsun](https://tawmlinsun.tumblr.com) // [ficpost](https://tawmlinsun.tumblr.com/post/185790098385/32-please-and-thank-you)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had absolutely zero plans of ever revisiting this fic, but then [tess (actual angel, ray of sunshine, sweetest soul, overall stellar human i'm so lucky to call a friend)](https://feathered-minds.tumblr.com) and i somehow got talking about this universe and she asked me what happened after the fic ended and before i knew it, i somehow had a second chapter outlined???? so thank you to tess for inspiring this lil sequel 💖💖
> 
> un-beta'd, all mistakes are mine
> 
> hope you love this one!!!

“i love you.”

eliott tightens his arms around lucas’ shoulders and brushes his lips over the boy’s temple with the slightest pressure. more than anything, it’s a reminder that he’s here, that this is real, that this isn’t another one of eliott’s wonder-filled daydreams (though, as he now knows, those dreams could never compare to reality). lucas hums as he shuffles that tiniest bit further into their hug, and it echoes in eliott’s chest, reverberating around his heart.

and they’re swaying now, stepping together and stepping closer, dropping kisses wherever they can reach, a push-and-pull battle for who can love the most. (eliott doesn’t think he’ll make it to the end of the game, because his heart is two breaths away from bursting and spilling everything he’s felt onto his worn old carpet.) he can feel lucas’ heart pounding through the fabric of his shirt, and eliott’s own heartbeat races to catch up.

it’s earth-shattering, the feeling of lucas encased in the circle of eliott’s arms like this. forehead pressed perfectly into the curve of his neck, fingers crawling up his spine to pull him closer, spikes of hair tickling along eliott’s chin. puzzle pieces clicking together like magic. eliott breathes in a sigh, delighting in the goosebumps that spark up along lucas’ neck as he exhales.

everything he’d dreamed and more.

eliott twists forward to kiss the top of lucas’ head, carding through the hair at the base of the boy’s neck and tangling his fingers in the smooth strands, just like he’s always wanted.

a memory from last week flashes through his mind: the two of them, waiting in line at the concessions stand at the movie theatre, arguing over which candy to share. lucas had wanted gummy bears but eliott insisted on chocolate, saying it was better to mix with their popcorn and gummy bears got caught in his teeth anyway. but lucas, never one to back down from a challenge, had launched into a full-blown explanation of exactly why gummy bears were the _perfect candy_ for the movies, complete with a bulleted list of pros (no cons) and a price breakdown of gummies vs. chocolate at the concession stand (honestly, eliott was surprised lucas didn’t have a powerpoint presentation ready to go).

and really, from the second lucas said he wanted the gummy bears, eliott had been ready to buy the theatre’s entire stock, student budget be damned. but there was something about lucas when he was like this, eyes sparkling and hands flying around him in an attempt at emphasis, that made eliott want to keep fighting, just to see lucas so bright and shining and _alive_ for a minute or two longer.

one glance at the shock of hair that had flopped down into lucas’ eyes and eliott was struck by the insistent need to run his fingers through the unruly strands. he nearly did it, too, fists clenching inside his jacket pocket, but he was saved by the concessions stand staff calling for the next customer. (he bought two bags of gummy bears.)

now, though, eliott can give into the want clutching at his heart, and he combs through the softness of lucas’ chocolate hair, relishing in the sigh it pulls from lucas’ chest and answering with one of his own.

“hey, eliott?” lucas asks, and it comes with a hint of a kiss to eliott’s collarbone.

eliott’s breath gets stuck in his chest and he gasps around the _yeah, baby?_ he stutters out in response. he tries to pull back but lucas only holds him tighter, whether from the impending separation or the petname (eliott thinks it might be both), so he reaches below lucas’ chin to tilt his face up. their eyes meet as he smooths a thumb over lucas’ jaw, blue and grey framed by the shine of drying tears, parted lips fluttering around the words lucas wants to say.

with a reluctant sigh, lucas’ fingers release their hold on eliott’s t-shirt, skimming the wrinkled fabric to come around and rest on eliott’s waist.

“there is nothing i want more right now than to stay here,” he starts, blinking slowly up at eliott, “but you should really cancel your date.”

_date? what da—_

shit. the tinder guy.

“oh, fuck,” eliott mutters, eyes wide and flashing as he starts to pull back from lucas, cursing again as he knocks their elbows together while trying to untangle their limbs. (and lucas doesn’t help at all, instead choosing to laugh his way through eliott’s frantic scrambling.)

finally free, eliott scans the room for his discarded phone and, taking a step towards where it rests on his bed, steels himself for the rejection he’s about to let loose.

but before he can go, lucas grabs his hand and pulls him back for another searing kiss, one that leaves eliott dazed and wondering how he could have ever gone on a single tinder date at all, wondering how he’d survived this long without the feeling of lucas' lips on his, wondering how he's ever supposed to get used to the way his heart stumbles when lucas runs his hands up eliott's back (he hopes the feeling sticks around forever).

eliott falls into him easily, curling his arms to return them to their rightful place around lucas’ shoulders. he shuffles back into lucas’ space and they’re swaying again, dancing to music only they can hear through the bliss of their hearts beating in time and their lips slotting together.

“the date,” eliott mutters into their kiss after a moment, but he doesn’t pull back. (neither does lucas.) “i need to cancel.”

“in a minute,” lucas whispers back, shushing him with another kiss.

“lucas…” eliott warns, all previous efforts to step away being thwarted by lucas’ tight grip. he feels lucas’ answering groan more than he hears it, and, slowly, the hands twisted in his shirt begin to loosen.

“okay,” lucas sighs, pulling back with a shove to eliott’s shoulders, “now go cancel on whoever this dude is.”

eliott hums, lips pursed. “one more kiss for the road?” he asks, already leaning back in. he kisses lucas again before he can answer, just a simple peck, and dashes over to grab his phone.

he types out the text with his bottom lip bitten between his teeth, barely able to concentrate on his phone for a second without looking back at lucas. he’s standing perfectly in front of eliott’s bedroom window, and the late afternoon sun beams behind him with the golden burn of the impending sunset.

(and lucas just rocks back and forth on his heels, none the wiser to his angelic glow, to the light that surrounds him from every angle, to the way eliott has been struck dumb by the sight. he’s beautiful, standing there waiting for eliott to return to his arms, outstretched fingers silhouetted by a ray of sunshine. eliott commits the sight to memory.)

eliott reads through the text again to fix all of his typos (he’d stumbled over the spikes of lucas’ hair, the curve of his shoulders, the shadowed cut of his jaw) and presses send before throwing the phone on the bed and lunging towards lucas.

their teeth click together and he might’ve stepped on lucas’ toes on the way here, but all eliott can think right now is _beautiful beautiful i love you beautiful._

he’s all eliott could ever want.

“eliott?” lucas whispers between kisses, and eliott hums, part answer and part protest, because what’s the point of talking when they could be kissing? they’ve talked enough for the past few years; eliott’s ready to make up for some lost time.

but lucas, this beautiful stubborn boy, insists on continuing (doesn’t mean eliott will stop kissing him, though).

“now that — you’re free — tonight — do you — wanna have a — movie night — here?”

eliott laughs into lucas’ mouth and when he pulls back, lucas’ grin matches his own.

“are you asking me out on a date, monsieur lallemant? in my own apartment?” he teases.

“nah, you’ll know when i’m asking you on a date.” it gives eliott pause and he raises his eyebrows. _does lucas have something planned already?_ “this is just us.”

_just us. sounds perfect._

“oh yeah?” he asks, letting his arms fall so he can tangle his hands with lucas’. “and what does _just us_ entail?”

“you know, pizza…movies…” lucas trails off and squeezes their joined hands, “cuddles and kisses.” he says it with the smallest curve of a smile, like he’s trying to hold back, like he knows it’s an offer eliott can’t refuse (and he’s right). it’s the sweetest sight and eliott feels his ribs caving in around his melting heart.

“well,” eliott scoffs, drawing lucas back into his chest. “how could i say no to that?”

lucas grins and eliott can’t _not_ kiss him so he does, reaching up to curve his palms around lucas’ jaw and splay his fingers over the boy’s cheeks. (in all the times he dreamed of this moment, of holding lucas like this, he never once thought it would be this easy to fall into the affection and love he’s kept simmering under the surface.) he keeps their kiss chaste, though, two bursting smiles pressing together to share sunshine.

“i’ll order the pizza if you set up the blankets,” eliott offers when he pulls back.

lucas levels him with a furrowed brow. “i don’t know if i trust you with the pizza toppings.”

(okay, he only got experimental with the toppings once. _once._ and it’s not his fault if lucas doesn’t like his pizza with pineapple, olives, bacon, and anchovies! it tasted just fine to eliott.)

“i’ll get our usual, don’t worry,” he says.

“if i hear you say anchovies i’m leaving.” _(one time.)_

eliott scoffs and stares at lucas with wide eyes. “you wouldn’t dare,” he challenges, and it’s only a beat before lucas relents.

“no, i wouldn’t,” he mutters, already pulling away to let eliott grab his phone to order. eliott smirks, craning his neck to press kisses to lucas’ cheeks before he steps back.

“one extra cheese pizza with sausage and peppers coming right up!” he declares, grinning at lucas as he reaches for his phone.

but there’s something in lucas’ eyes, something eliott can’t quite name. it’s soft. it’s kind. it’s wondrous, maybe, and goosebumps burst along the back of his neck. and eliott doesn’t know what lucas sees in him that could inspire a gaze so full of _love_ (because that’s what it is, isn’t it?), but he hopes it never fades.

on his way out to the living room, lucas stops to kiss the ridge of eliott’s shoulder blades. the bones glow the moment lucas’ lips touch eliott’s fabric-covered skin.

* * *

after the pizza has been eaten and the fourth film has been watched, eliott whispers, “hey, lucas? are you staying the night?” into the darkness of the living room.

(and he’s stayed over before — many times, actually — but never like this, never as…whatever he is to eliott now. _everything_ seems appropriate, but _possible future boyfriend_ or _maybe-lover_ will do for now.)

lucas shifts around from where he’s wrapped in eliott’s arms, pulling back a bit so he can sit up properly, and eliott’s hands fall to his waist. his eyelids are drooping slightly, slow with sleep, but his eyes are clear as day underneath the glow of the television. (the bright white light only brings out that deep blue more, if that’s even possible. eliott thinks he’ll spend the rest of his life figuring out lucas’ mysteries.)

“i don’t know…” lucas starts, a smirk teasing at the corners of his lips. “i don’t really like spending the night with guys who _aren’t_ my boyfriend.”

says the guy who’s slept over more times than either of them can count. “is that so?”

lucas nods around a yawn in confirmation, and eliott sees his jaw clench where he’s keeping in a laugh.

eliott’s eyes narrow. “is this your way of getting me to ask you to be my boyfriend?” he asks, a little incredulous.

a shrug. “depends on if you want me to stay the night or not.”

eliott laughs, rolling his eyes as he leans in to press a kiss to lucas’ temple. “you’re ridiculous, you know.”

“oh, i know,” lucas confirms with a nod, lips already pouting out a bit. “however, i’m still sitting here, absolutely boyfriend-less, and —”

“for fuck’s sake…” eliott mutters and scoots closer on the couch, intertwining their legs and practically climbing into the other boy’s lap.

“lucas lallemant,” he starts, cupping lucas’ jaw in his hands. both of them gasp at the touch, the softness a stark contrast to their easy banter (even if it’s a little heavier with the flirting now). “will you please allow me the honor of being your boyfriend? perks include staying over tonight and any other night you want.”

with a hum, lucas reaches up to trace the veins in eliott’s forearms, sending shivers along the boy’s skin. every nerve ending is lit up like the night sky. all eliott can think about is _lucas lucas lucas._ it feels like every part of them is touching, surrounded by each other in the unbreakable peace of the apartment.

carefully, and with eliott tracking his every move, lucas’ teeth sink down into his bottom lip, like he’s thinking it over, weighing the pros and cons, building a powerpoint presentation in his head. (but his hands have traveled from eliott’s arms to his waist and he can feel lucas’ fingers slowly crawling up underneath the hem of his t-shirt, twisting the fabric to pull eliott closer.)

lucas sighs, nudging their noses together. “i mean, if i _must,_ ” is his answer, and eliott immediately pulls back with a huff. (he’s in love with this stubborn little shit, isn’t he?)

eliott’s about to rescind his offer, can feel the sharp, teasing barbs climb up to the base of his throat, when lucas lunges forward and tackles eliott back onto the couch, melting them both into the cushions.

“yes,” he whispers, and he kisses eliott.

“of course,” he whispers, and he kisses eliott.

“i love you,” he whispers, and he kisses eliott.

“and i love you,” eliott whispers, and he kisses lucas.

* * *

later, once they’ve cleaned up the pizza and their blanket cocoon, lucas falters. he’s slow to change into his borrowed sweats, taking his time getting ready for bed and stalling on his phone. and eliott does his best not to hover, only pressing the occasional kiss to his hair when they cross paths, but now, lucas is standing still and staring at the bed, and eliott can’t help but worry. 

he looks tentative and… _scared_ , almost. lifted up on his toes, like he’s about to run, but shoulders low and slouching and heavy to weigh him down. it’s so at odds with the playful confidence from before that it throws eliott for a loop.

“lucas?”

though it’s a whisper, it startles him, and his blue blue _blue_ eyes disappear behind rapid, fearful blinks. “sorry,” lucas coughs, shaking his head. “i don’t know what i was —”

“hey, hey, hey,” eliott whispers, coming around to stand in front of him and intertwine their hands, grabbing his attention. “what’s going on?”

he doesn’t say anything, but lucas spares a glance towards the bed to their right, and that’s all the answer eliott needs.

“you’ve stayed over before,” he reminds lucas.

lucas scoffs. “yeah, but we’re _boyfriends_ now, eliott.”

“yeah, we are,” eliott says through a smile, every cell in his body vibrating with the knowledge that they’re _boyfriends_ and they’re _dating_ and from now on, eliott gets to hold lucas’ hand when they’re walking down the street. but lucas doesn’t answer with a matching grin, and eliott feels that first drop of concern spread through his veins. “what’s bothering you?”

hesitation is written all over lucas’ features, laced through the tremor of his brow, etched into his eyes that stare unseeing into the dip of eliott’s collarbone. “i don’t know i just…it’s dumb, don’t —”

 _“it’s not,”_ eliott cuts in, clasping their palms tighter together and bringing them up to his lips to press kisses onto lucas’ knuckles. “whatever you’re feeling is real and valid, not dumb. and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but i want you to know that you can.” more kisses to the backs of lucas’ palms. “i’m here, lucas.”

lucas tugs on their hands to pull them to his own chest, resting his cheek on the curve of eliott’s knuckles. “things are going to be different in the morning, you know?” he says, whispering it into the skin. he won’t meet eliott’s eyes. “for us, for our friends, everything. and it’s perfect now but it won’t be perfect later, and i don’t know what i’m going to do when you leave.”

_when?_

“baby,” eliott mutters, and he watches how lucas’ eyes fall shut at the name once more. he can’t tell whether it helps or hurts lucas’ heart. he keeps talking anyway. “i’m not going anywhere. no matter what happens, i’m not leaving you. i’ve loved you for years now, and that’s not changing, ever.”

this love has been engraved onto every bone in eliott’s body. it’s been scratched onto his skin, it’s flowing through his bloodstream, it’s sunken into his muscles and tendons. and telling lucas, pulling this love from the depths of his heart and sharing the emotions he’s kept so secret, hurts. the words scrape his throat as he speaks, turning it raw with the power and the truth behind them. but lucas needs to know that when eliott says he’s not going anywhere, he means it, and the pain of speaking is soothed by the relief of knowing lucas will hear him.

carefully, eliott detangles their hands and slides forward to cup lucas’ jaw. the other boy’s hands immediately clutch at eliott’s chest.

eliott waits until lucas looks up at him before speaking, voice shaking with the threat of tears: “i’ve never wanted anyone or anything like i want you.”

he sees when the words hit lucas. his chest expands with his slow inhale, like he’s sucking the sentiment out of the air and keeping it for himself, hidden away in the ridges of his ribs.

but he exhales and it shudders, and fear rushes in on the next breath.

“okay, but now you’re _actually gonna date me_ and what if it’s horrible and so much worse than you’d thought and i end up ruining it and —”

“lucas!” eliott interrupts the spiral. “i meant what i said earlier: it’s an honor to be your boyfriend. you can’t — you’re not going to ruin _anything._ ”

and lucas still looks wary, scared, disbelieving. but eliott thinks he knows what to say.

“remember what you said when i told you i was bipolar?” he starts, locking his eyes with lucas’. “when i said i would be a shitty friend sometimes and that you wouldn’t want to be around me?”

lucas gulps, nodding as realization sets in. “minute by minute,” he recites.

“yeah, minute by minute.” eliott smooths a thumb over lucas’ cheek and roses bloom in his path. “we’re gonna do that, okay? both of us, together, taking things minute by minute.”

lucas repeats the sentiment again, whispers it around the kiss eliott presses to his forehead.

“eliott?” he asks. “in this minute i kinda want to go to bed.”

eliott laughs, a low rumble in his chest, and kisses lucas’ forehead once more. “let’s go then.”

and so they do, crawling onto opposite sides of the bed, pulling the covers up and lying on their sides to face each other. lucas closes his eyes but eliott doesn’t because there’s something missing, something he still needs to do.

he reaches over and pokes at lucas’ cheek until he flicks one eye open, squinting at the other boy in mock-annoyance.

“goodnight, boyfriend,” eliott whispers. and, because lucas is lucas, he rolls that one eye as eliott shoots him his sweetest smile, and eliott is hit with a wave of affection all over again.

lucas scoots over, throwing an arm over eliott’s waist and nuzzling into the crook of his neck. “goodnight, boyfriend,” he answers. “i love you.”

lucas snuggles closer with every syllable and eliott hides his smile in the tufts of lucas’ hair. “and i love you.”

slowly, lucas goes still with sleep, easy breath ghosting over eliott’s neck. but eliott stays awake, mind racing as he trails his fingers up and down lucas’ spine.

a few hours ago, he was getting ready for a date with some random dude he met on tinder. a few hours ago, he was preparing himself for another disastrous night where he’s incapable of thinking of anyone or anything but lucas. a few hours ago, he was convinced that the boy who held his heart would never let eliott cradle his own in his waiting, open hands.

and now eliott is here, with lucas wrapped around him like he belongs there, and if eliott thought he was in love before, he was in no way prepared for what he feels now. it’s pouring out of him, staining his bedsheets a bold sunflower yellow, his walls the deep red of a rose, his rug the vast and clear blue of lucas’ eyes. he keeps looking down at the boy in his arms like he’s about to disappear.

it’s inconceivable that eliott could have this.

usually, when eliott can’t fall asleep it’s because he’s nervous or anxious or too down to do anything but stare at the ceiling, somehow too worn-out to shut his eyes. but now, he can’t sleep because he’s too happy. eliott doesn’t want this first night to end.

a glance at his bedside clock tells him he’s in the early hours of the morning. the night has ended for lucas, and it needs to end for him, too.

he brushes a rogue chunk of hair out of lucas’ face, eyes running over the heart-stopping beauty of this boy (no, _his_ boy).

eliott leans in close and whispers _thank you_ into the creases of lucas’ skin. and his boyfriend shifts as the words settle, stirring in his sleep, and panic clutches at eliott’s throat. but lucas stills and sighs and eliott, with air flooding back into his lungs, lets his eyelids droop and tumbles over into dreams.

* * *

eliott wakes with goosebumps running up and down his legs, cold toes pressed to the skin and sending a shiver through his bones. it startles him for a moment before he remembers that they’re _lucas’_ toes, lucas’ breath hitting his pillow, lucas’ waist under his hands.

eliott breathes out a yawn, cuddling closer before flicking his eyes open to the morning. lucas is already awake and staring back at him, and eliott dives deep into his ocean.

“good morning, boyfriend,” lucas whispers around a grin so bright it’s nearly blinding, glimpses of sunlight reflecting off calm waves.

“good morning, boyfriend,” eliott answers, voice rough with the early hour. (somehow, lucas’ smile grows.) “slept well?”

“very. you?” lucas cards a hand through eliott’s bedhead (his hair is always at its messiest in the morning).

“same.”

they giggle together like it’s a secret, some inside joke they share. eliott doesn’t know why exactly they’re laughing but if lucas’ voice is the first thing he hears when he wakes up every morning, he’ll spend the rest of his days giddy beyond belief. he blinks the last traces of sleep out of his eyes and yawns again, and he’s sure it’s not very attractive but lucas is still staring at him, smiling like he hung the moon.

eliott’s eyes narrow. “what are you smiling at?” he asks, low and teasing.

“nothing, i just…” lucas trails off, cheeks going rosy and bright. “i like this.” when he doesn’t continue, eliott raises his eyebrows, shaking his head a bit as he shifts under the bedsheets.

“i like waking up with you,” lucas admits in a whisper. “to you.”

and, with his heart clenching in his chest, eliott really can’t do anything but kiss him so he does, capturing lucas’ lips with his and pressing everything he can’t quite say into the curve of lucas’ cupid’s bow.

_i like waking up to you, too._

_i’ve dreamt about this so many times._

_i love you i love you i love you i love you._

they’d probably stay connected there for the entire day if it wasn’t for lucas’ phone starting up an insistent buzz on the bedside table. groaning, lucas pulls back to grab the offending device, rolling his eyes as he reads the messages and sliding it back where it was.

he turns back over with a huff, darting forward to peck eliott’s lips before settling onto the pillow once more.

“all good?” eliott asks, flicking a piece of lucas’ hair.

“just mika asking where i was last night; nothing i’m not used to,” he sighs, and burrows deeper into the covers.

“tell him you stayed here,” eliott says. “you, uh, you don’t have to mention the whole boyfriend thing if you don’t want to.” last night’s conversation flashes through eliott’s mind and he can see the memories mirrored in lucas’ eyes.

“i want to,” lucas insists with a hand on eliott’s chest, “but not yet. i want it to be just us for a bit.”

“just us,” eliott considers. “i like the sound of that.”

a shared smile, and eliott curls forward to rest a hand on lucas’ cheek and bring their lips together for a soft kiss, easy in the morning glow.

when they break apart, lucas draws his bottom lip between his teeth, gnawing on the skin as his eyelashes flutter around eliott’s face. 

“you okay, baby?” eiott asks, seeing the clear discomfort in the boy’s eyes.

“yeah, just…” lucas trails off, turning slightly to drop a kiss at the base of eliott’s palm. “last night, did you say something to me? or, did you say thank you? i was half-asleep so i might’ve dreamt it or something, but —”

 _shit._ eliott cuts him off. “uh, yeah, i did.” he clears his throat at the surprise written across lucas’ features, earlier discomfort completely wiped away. part of eliott prays lucas will just let this go, but if he did, then he wouldn’t be the lucas that eliott loves.

“what were you thanking me for?”

eliott coughs again, eyes downcast. (he shouldn’t have said it really, should have waited until he was _absolutely sure_ lucas was asleep before uttering even the most innocent of thoughts.) “i was talking to the universe, actually,” he finally says.

“okay,” lucas starts, drawn-out and curious, “then what were you thanking the universe for?”

there it is.

he could brush it off and say something meaningless to buy time, some filler to appease lucas until it’s inevitably brought up later. or, he could tell the truth. two paths, both leading to lucas, to where he wants to be, with two very different means of getting there.

eliott blinks back over at lucas and sees the unwavering love behind his eyes.

so, eliott tells the truth.

“for being the universe where you love me back.”

lucas’ lips part and his eyes go soft like the night before, and eliott’s heart pounds in his chest. slowly, lucas reaches out to eliott, tracing the curves of his cheeks with the tips of his fingers, taking time to track every dip and bump in the skin, before covering his path with his lips and ending with a kiss above eliott’s browbone. but lucas doesn’t go far when he pulls back, resting his forehead on eliott’s and brushing their noses together. eliott holds him there with shaking fingers.

“i love you back in every universe, eliott,” he whispers, fierce and reverent. “every last one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this snapshot into this lil universe!!! 
> 
> 🌻 kudos and comments are always welcome and appreciated 🌻
> 
> you can find me on tumblr at [tawmlinsun](https://tawmlinsun.tumblr.com) and find the [ficpost here](https://tawmlinsun.tumblr.com/post/189978543514/if-i-can-recognize-real-but-its-not-him-on-that)
> 
> happy new year, everyone!!! ✨✨✨ wishing you all a happy, successful, love-filled 2020 💖


End file.
